Elon Musk, the self-proclaimed Technoking of Tesla & Emperor of Mars, and Earth’s wealthiest human, has taken to Twitter to stake the lives of 44 million Ukrainian people on his belief that he can beat former KGB-agent and President of Russia, in a one-on-one fight. Using a combination of English and Russian, Musk wrote “I hereby challenge [Vladimir Putin] to single combat, stakes are [Ukraine]. He then doubled down with a follow up tweet in Russian directed at The Kremlin, asking “Do you agree to this fight?”.
Since the Russian invasion of Ukraine began on February 24th, Musk has made sure to be on the right side of history by voicing his support of Ukraine across social media, and has gone so far as to launch Starlink satellites that provide wireless internet to the people as their infrastructure is devastated by the Russian military. As Elon Musk is now providing the people of the Ukraine with internet coverage, this naturally makes him the leader of Ukraine. It follows that the South African-born, U.S.-based, ‘Imperator of Mars’ should be responsible for the lives of all Ukrainian people, and maybe even every citizen of Earth. Let’s not forget that he is the world’s richest ‘human’ (questionable) too, so in our hyper-capitalist society it is only logical that whoever has the highest net worth should be in charge of everyone else.
Musk has received worldwide criticism for his Tweets in the past, but what does the worldwide community know anyway?
When Musk called Vernon Unsworth, the 63 year-old diver who saved a dozen boys from a flooded cave in Thailand, a “pedo guy”, it’s only because he was looking out for the poor trapped children. It was absolutely nothing to do with his ego being hurt when a diver helped people quicker than his multibillion dollar company could do.
When Elon repeatedly used his large following to pump DOGE coin after recently investing millions of his company’s money into it, and the price plummeted and cost millions of people huge amounts of money, he was only trying to help the poor make a quick buck. He is a man of the people.
When he made fun of Bernie Sanders for suggesting that Billionaires pay taxes like everyone else, he was doing it because he cares about the citizens of the United States. He only wanted Bernie Sanders to leave the billionaires alone and just shut up about taxes. Come on, let’s admit it – none of us like paying taxes.
So with all of that said, I think we can all agree that Mr. Elon Musk [sorry LORD Elon Musk] has all of our best interests at heart. Zelenskyy himself has thanked Elon for the tweet, as it does show that he supports Ukraine. Ukraine needs the world’s support now more than ever. Russian and Ukrainian soldiers are killing each other (not to mention the civilians), at the behest of their countries’ respective leaders. The idea of wars being fought by leaders instead of young soldiers who have signed up to their country’s military, often out of a lack of better financial options but also a patriotic duty to protect their homeland and its people – is a nice idea. Maybe if that’s how war worked, old men might be a bit more hesitant to declare wars and let others fight it for them.
Older men declare war. But it is the youth that must fight and die.Herbert Hoover, 1944
However, Elon Musk is as much the guardian/champion of Ukraine as he is the Emperor of Mars. Does he have the right to offer Ukraine as a prize to Putin for besting him in a fight? Fuck no, he doesn’t. Even if he were given that duty, would it be fair to decide the fate of 44 million people on his extremely cocky belief that he’d win? Let’s entertain the idea for a moment though and try to conclude who’d actually win in a fight (what a time to be alive, right?). Let’s weigh up each of their attributes and see who would likely win this hypothetical duel.
Height: 168cm, 5ft 5in
Fight training: Blackbelt in Judo, Sambo, Kyokushin, He has an honorary 10th dan in a Korean art (Tand Soo Do or TKD)
Experience: Putin served 15 years as a foreign intelligence officer for the KGB. Retired as lieutenant colonel in 1990. Went on to become mayor, Prime Minister, and then President. Head of multiple military operations.
Height: 1.88m, 6ft 2in
Fight training: Elon Musk said on JRE that when he was a child, he trained in kyokushin karate, taekwondo, judo and “Brazilian jiu-jitsu briefly.”
Experience: serial tech entrepreneur with early successes like Zip2 and X.com. Instrumental in creating PayPal. Founder, CEO, and Chief Engineer at SpaceX; early-stage investor, CEO, and Product Architect of Tesla, Inc.; founder of The Boring Company; and co-founder of Neuralink and OpenAI.
So what’s the verdict? It doesn’t fucking matter! I think we can all see who’d win in a fair fight, but that is besides the point. Elon Musk’s success has really gone to his head, and this ego-centric, maniacal, out-of-touch-with-reality billionaire should just stay out of geopolitical issues, stop tweeting dumb shit, and focus on what he does best – making ugly cyber-trucks, killing monkeys with brain-chip implants, and digging useless tunnels under L.A.