This morning, UK Prime Minister BoJo made an announcement that will be rejoiced by many and lamented by few; he is finally fucking off. In response to the somewhat shocking revelation, 15 year old political pundit and resident of Number 10 Down Street, Larry the Cat, has declared he intends to replace the downtrodden clown once he’s out.
After a tumultuous few days for Boris, involving over 50 parliamentary resignations including the Northern Ireland secretary, the security minister, the science minister, the Treasury minister, the pensions minister, the technology minister, the courts’ minister, and most prominently chancellor Rishi Sunak and former Health Secretary Sajid Javid, Larry the Cat tweeted on July 6th “I can no longer, in good conscience, live with this Prime Minister. Either he goes, or I do”. It seems the cat’s tweet made an impact.
Now that Johnson has decided to bugger off, albeit in a few months, he will leave behind a big set of boots to fill, and who better to do that than a puss in boots? Although there is no official news of how the new PM will be decided, Larry is determinedly throwing his hat in the ring.
When asked to comment on this surprising turn of events, Boris had nothing to say – it seems the cat’s got his tongue.
Larry has been extremely outspoken on his Twitter (@Number10cat), expressing strong disapproval of his Number 10 roommate in his regular tweets about BoJo’s incompetence and reluctance to leave.
His consistency in calling out Boris’ failures and his anti-PM tweets, all while living under the same roof as the now-former Tory leader, make him the perfect candidate to lead the country during this incredibly difficult time for the nation, amidst rising living costs and unprecedented inflation. His proximity to Johnson over the course of his leadership has given him insight into the inner workings of 10 Downing St that outmatch any other potential future Prime Minister.
Perhaps Boris Johnson was aware of the rivalry unfolding when locking Larry out of the most important political building in the world (no, the White House doesn’t compare) on July 6th.
The apparent roommate rivalry that exists between the dissenting feline and the narcissistic floppy-haired conman has been going on for months. When Boris Johnson recently told the country to essentially “fuck off” by saying he would not change, Larry was one of the first to call him out for it.
It’s not only Larry’s continuous calling out of the PM’s shitty behaviour that makes him the ideal replacement either – his political views seem to be way more in line with the public than any Eton-alumni looking to take over the Tory party . His tweets have shown solidarity with asylum seekers, support for the working class, and an awareness of global issues that could begin rebuilding the UK’s international image.
On top of all that, Larry knows how to carry himself much better than the saggy, disheveled excuse for a Prime Minister does too, with a stylish swagger that knocks the likes of Obama or Trudeau out the park, and dashing looks capable of bringing any diplomatic situation to a fast and amicable end.
One cool-eyed glance from this furry fiend and any world leader would be writhing orgasmically on the floor, begging for stronger diplomatic and economic UK ties as they try to control themselves between moans and gasps of unimaginable, cat-induced pleasure.
Add to that the fact that Larry has an instinctive knack for removing pests, and you can see why he’d perform amazingly in parliament. Boris already inadvertently got rid of a whole swathe of Tories, Larry could hammer the final nails into the coffin of the Conservative party.
Whoever ends up moving into Number 10 Downing Street when Boris is finally (FINALLY!) out, they can’t do any worse than he did. After 12 years of Tory power, surely the next person (or cat) to shepherd the nation’s flock will steer us away from this path of self-destruction we’ve been on for so long. We’ll be lucky to get an election, and likely end up with just another Tory snob, but at least it won’t be Boris.
Whatever happens, the Dumb News will definitely be campaigning for Larry the Cat. After Johnson’s time in office, we think even a lab-trained rat could do a better job than he did. Larry however, seems like the type of character to lead us into a new golden age, usher in an eternity of world peace, make millionaires out of us all and take humanity to the far reaches of the universe.
God bless Larry, long may he reign.
Jason Law
Your unofficial source for the dumbest news 