• Blood for Gas – Gas Market Domination a Motive for Sabotaging Nord Stream II

    Blood for Gas – Gas Market Domination a Motive for Sabotaging Nord Stream II

    How sabotaging Nord Stream II directly benefits the US gas industry

    By Jason Law
    War is a business – and business is BOOMING!

    It’s been one year since Russia invaded Ukraine, and over two weeks since Pulitzer Prize-winning investigative journalist Seymour Hersh published his report on the sabotage of the Nord Stream II Gas Pipeline, in which he described in elaborate detail how the infrastructural attack was covertly conducted by the United States Navy, citing an unnamed source close to the operation as the basis for his allegation.

    His story has been met with outright denial and fierce claims of fabrication from the Biden administration aimed at Hersh, despite his well-founded credibility, decades worth of reliable reporting on a number of US scandals and war crimes, and a reputation that real journalists the world over can only ever dream of.

    Sadly having to use the Daily Mail Online for an infographic

    The US government’s denial is about as surprising as the accusation itself – that is, the US government will always deny its own wrongdoings (especially when those wrongdoings were meant to be a secret), and everybody who knows the smallest bit about US history, foreign policy and covert ops was already thinking “USA DID IT”.

    Former Polish Foreign Minister Radoslaw Sikorski (emphasis on ‘former’) tweeted on the day of the explosion “Thank You, USA” alongside a photo of NS2’s gas bubbling in the ocean. He deleted the tweet shortly after, but he was not alone in immediately believing Uncle Sam was responsible.

    “You’re Welcome” – Joe Biden

    On September 28th, two days after the pipeline explosion, Tucker Carlson during his FOX news segment made strong suggestions that the USA was responsible, citing the now widely circulated clip of Biden saying “”If Russia invades . . . there will no longer be a Nord Stream 2,” to support his suspicions. Who would’ve imagined Tucker Carlson of all people being one of the most reasonable speakers on this issue?

    One week after the September 26th pipeline explosion, widely revered geopolitical expert and economist Jeffrey Sachs was one of the first notable public figures to directly blame the USA for the attack, in a live interview on Bloomberg Television. Unsurprisingly, he was promptly shut down by host Tom Keene, but that hasn’t stopped Sachs voicing his well-informed perspectives in various interviews and talks since.

    In the months since, it appears that everybody except the various leaders of EU and NATO nations have come to the seemingly obvious conclusion that the USA stood to gain the most from the secrecy-shrouded attack. The initial claims by the West that Russia blew up its own $5billion pipeline are at this point absolutely laughable.

    The idea that Russia did it has literally become a joke

    In a recent interview with comedian/actor turned journalist Russell Brand, Seymour Hersh recounted a response to the SubStack report by a close friend who said, “Oh Sy, you have become a master in the deconstruction of the OBVIOUS”. This is perhaps the most apt description of what Hersh has done – he has finally given some foundation to something that most of us already believed was as plain as day.

    Many political pundits and independent journalists have expressed that the USA is the main country with the means and the motive to take out the pipeline. With the world’s most powerful Navy and the technological capabilities to launch attacks deep underwater, there is no question that logistically, the USA could conduct the operation if it wanted to.

    When it comes to motives, there are many, most of which revolve around natural resources, or more specifically – gas.

    As far back as 2019, former President Trump was warning that NS2 could turn Europe into a “hostage of Russia”, and placed sanctions on any company helping Russia to complete the pipeline, as if selling gas to Europe is wrong just by virtue of the supplier not being American. Russia was already supplying cheap gas to Germany through Nord Stream I, so cheap that Germany was able to export excess gas to other European countries at a profit. An additional stream (of gas and revenue) would only mean more competition for the US gas industry.

    The mutually beneficial relationship between Russia and Germany and stronger co-operation between the two nations has long been seen as a threat by the USA, as explained by Jacques Baud, a Swiss author and former member of the Swiss Strategic Intelligence and Eastern European expert for NATO.

    Gas production in the USA and Russia past 15 years

    Additionally, as the second largest producer and number one exporter of natural gas, Russia has long been a competitor in the US’s pursuit of dominating the global energy market. In fact, the USA surpassed Russia as the top producer of natural gas in 2011, and has remained on top since. Interestingly though, the USA’s natural gas production only surpassed domestic usage in 2018, meaning that for the first time since 1949 – the USA had excess gas to export, becoming a net exporter.

    US gas production, domestic consumption and net exports

    Although this move towards energy independence started before Trump’s inauguration in 2017, a mainstay of his presidency was his policy of “America First”, and weening the USA off of dependence on other nations, including energy imports. Though some news sources claimed Trump didn’t actually do well in this regard, we can observe an accelerated boost in natural gas production during Trump’s single term, and a five-fold increase in gas exports, according to the Trump White House. The trend has continued under Biden, whose new ‘Buy America’ strategy is aimed (in part) at growing the USA’s clean energy industry.

    With the US and Europe’s outward commitment to switching to greener energy, and natural gas demand expected to grow dramatically in the coming decades, increased production and export of gas is imperative for the USA, both economically and environmentally. However, with Europe already getting its cheap gas from Russia, finding client states with economies large enough to make exporting gas profitable posed a significant challenge for the USA.

    So what better way to take out the competition than to sanction the world’s largest exporter of gas and take their customers for yourself? Without going into the complexities of the Ukraine-Russia War here, the timing of the ‘unprovoked’ Russian invasion has played into the hands of the US energy market very conveniently. The Russian invasion, and ensuing sanctions, meant that countries across the world had to find a new source of gas – or find loopholes to buy Russian Gas at the risk of disobeying the American world police.

    Kicking the Competition out of Europe (From the NY Times)

    In 2022, the USA displaced Qatar as the world’s second largest exporter of LNG, but is still miles behind Russia when it comes to overall gas exports. Gas corporations such as Exxon Mobil and Chevron also posted record profits for 2022, yet American households had to pay higher prices for natural gas that year when compared to previous years.

    There is no need to spout baseless conspiracy theories about this – evidence of the war benefiting the US gas industry is observable by simply looking at the share prices of the top gas producing companies in the USA, and noting the dates that caused stock prices to drop and then skyrocket. The top 5 US gas producers are, in order from bottom to top; ConocoPhillips, Chevron, ExxonMobil, BP and Shell. It’s worth noting here that the first three are American companies, while Shell and BP are British but produce gas in the US.

    The share prices of these US-based gas corporations and companies skyrocketed following the invasion. Over the past year, their values have increased by as much as 45% (Exxon) after several years of steady but slow growth (see slideshow below).

    Of particular significance however, is the fact that every single US gas company’s share prices plummeted in the lead up to the Nord Stream II attack, and then promptly shot back up after September 26th, climbing to record highs in the following weeks and months.

    These stock market fluctuations could be attributed to Germany’s halting of the NS2 project on Feburary 22nd, just days before Russian forces crossed the Ukrainian border. By August, certain sectors of the German government were considering and even urging other MPs to re-activate the pipeline. German vice president Wolfgang Kubicki suggested allowing the pipeline to begin pumping gas to Germany so that its citizens wouldn’t freeze (how dare he!), which was unsurprisingly met with fierce opposition from Ukraine (and members of his own party).

    In September, Russia shut down Nord Stream I, claiming that repairs were needed on the original pipeline. This prompted German lawmakers to debate whether they should switch on NS2. If this had been allowed to happen, then Europe would continue to use Russian gas, which would inevitably harm the US gas market. This could explain the sharp downward trend in the share prices of all US gas companies in the days leading up to the September 26th. It’s also possible that key figures in the industry could have known what the US was planning? Or the sabotage could have been a reaction to dropping share prices, in order to ensure the industry’s continued growth?

    September 26th was no doubt a great day for the rich

    Either way, correlation does not imply causation. To suggest that shareholders sold shares prior to the 26th because they somehow knew that the pipeline was about to be sabotaged would be engaging in conspiracy theories. Maybe they just had a ‘feeling’ based on their inexplicable abilities to predict market trends, and initiated a mass sell-off of US gas shares in anticipation of something happening on that date?

    Just because corporations control the USA’s judiciary, its political system, and its national wealth, that DOES NOT mean that key figures in the gas industry would be privy to any covert operations being undertaken by the USA that would directly impact their profits.

    Just because the gas & energy industry spent 91 million dollars on lobbying in 2022, that does not mean that they would have any direct connection to government officials. To suggest that private corporations would in any way influence the US government’s policy or position on anything, especially something as significant as funding the war in Ukraine and sabotaging a Russian-German pipleline and its potential to escalate to nuclear war, would be a baseless claim based on disinformation and paranoid delusions about imaginary ties between big business and government.

    To imagine that the US government engages in wars not for freedom, liberty and equality, but for money and resources – is downright slanderous.

    The government only acts on behalf of the people, and represent the interests of all American people, not of an elite class of rich and powerful industry leaders. Everything the USA does in regards to Ukraine and Russia is to defend democracy and freedom – NOT profit!

    However, we can say with absolute certainty that the US Gas industry has profited from the ongoing Ukraine war, and profited even more so from the sabotage of the NS2 pipeline. In 2021, the Washington Informer reported that the USA’s post-COVID recovery hinges on the growth of gas and oil industry, which accounts for $1.7 trillion of the USA’s economy (8% of GDP) and provides 11.3 million jobs, and it seems that said growth has come to fruition.

    The US economy is becoming increasingly dependent on the gas industry, so what lengths would the government go to in order to uphold it? Would they provoke a proxy war between Russia and Ukraine, and sabotage key infrastructure of one of their own allies? The USA has done far worse for a lot less (see: The Middle East and Oil).

    This is all of course, mere speculation. Aside from Seymour Hersh’s very direct accusation of the USA in sabotaging the pipeline, there is no physical evidence to support the claim. Sweden has made sure to keep its investigatory findings from the crime scene a secret.

    All that we have to support the belief that the USA attacked NS2 is; the USA’s history of lies, war and interference in global affairs for monetary gain; the indisputable evidence that the US energy industry and arms industry have massively profited from the war in Russia; the postulations of dozens of geopolitical experts and non-NATO government officials; the President saying that Nord Stream II will not happen; and a general feeling held by supposedly billions of people around the world that this action reeks of US involvement. We don’t even need to go into the so-called conspiracy theory here that Joe Biden’s own son Hunter Biden served on the board of Burisma Holdings, one of the largest private natural gas producers in Ukraine – which would add an extra layer of malign intent to the whole thing.

    So with all of these things considered, it probably wasn’t the USA that did it. After all, the White House did deny it! And we must always, always trust everything the government tells us.

  • British daytime TV plays Russian roulette with the public

    British daytime TV plays Russian roulette with the public
    Pay your bills or die

    Ever since Russia violated the borders of Ukraine to aggressively seize the Donetsk and Luhansk regions, most of the Western world has been feeling the economic consequences. Due to an ever-growing number of sanctions imposed by the USA and its allies on the former Soviet nation, the cost of living has been soaring and millions of people across Europe are living under the threat of being unable to afford their energy bills, especially as winter approaches.

    It’s no joke

    The UK in particular is facing a catastrophe, with the energy price cap set to increase dramatically by 80% in October. With the number of children in poverty having skyrocketed under Tory leadership, and now the appointment of new PM Liz Truss who described British workers as lazy, the energy crisis has been largely seen as a working class, or poor people problem.

    However, it seems now that even multi-billion pound UK TV Channel ITV is worried about the impending hike of bill costs. In an episode of their regular daytime TV show This Morning, on 6th September, hosts Holly Willoughby and Phillip Schofield invited desperate members of the public to take part in a roulette-style game of luck where one spin of the wheel would decide the caller’s fate. The shocking part? No, not the fact that people still watch this trash – the contestant would either get a meagre £1000 OR, receive the gameshow’s energy bills.

    “Oh no! You have to pay our bills!” – Phillip Schofield, 6th September 2022

    As if it wasn’t bad enough being constantly reminded on every TV channel how bloody awful life is at the moment, now we have daytime shows broadcasting a less violent version of (the very aptly named) Russian roulette, where players have a 50/50 chance of either winning just about enough money to pay two weeks rent on a studio flat in London, or they get saddled with the energy bills of This Morning, which would doubtlessly be in the millions of pounds and leave the average Brit bankrupt, on the streets, and dead by winter.

    This brazen display of heartlessness and lack of compassion is a low point for the ITV show, and maybe is the most out-of-touch demonstration of disconnectedness since Eammon Holmes told a sex addict she should become a prostitute.

    It’s really quite disappointing to see a TV show that’s watched daily by millions of people, resort to such cheap attempts at entertainment. The media was quick to describe the segment as dystopian, and what a tremendously boring manifestation of a dystopia we are living in.

    Cool black and white photo taken last week

    Out of all of the dystopic worlds imagined in countless books, movies, TV shows and other mediums, we just had to get the most boring one – where TV hosts spin a wheel to decide if someone can pay their electric bill and hopefully live.

    We were promised heartless, demagogic leaders ruling over totalitarian parties, surveilling our every move and thought, protected by a brutal police force, while we’re forced to work soul-crushing jobs in order to survive, against the backdrop of a never-ending sense that we could be obliterated by war at any given moment, but with the tiny glimpse of hope in the form of quiet, fermenting rebellion discussed in hushed voices in the dark corners of our local pubs.

    Actually, it seems like we pretty much got that, minus the discussion of revolt or glimmer of hope – nobody can even afford to go to a pub anyway. So it looks like we’ll have to continue suffering through this endless decline into an unexciting nightmare future. Remember when everyone thought 2020 was the worst year and the world couldn’t get any weirder?

    I can’t wait to see what 2023 is going to bring us. If the dystopia we’re getting is going to be presented to us in TV format, please can we get pay-per-view death sports? I’d much rather watch the hosts of This Morning fight to the death with whatever makeshift weapons they can assemble than watch them rub it in our faces that life is too expensive to live.

    You heard it here first – we’re going to see a real-life Battle Royale/Hunger Games/Death Race/Gamer/Squid Games televised in all its gory and tragic 4K beauty by this time next year.

  • Brits really excited about global annihilation

    Bye world!

    Anybody who’s British, or who has spent any time with a Brit (sorry), knows that we absolutely love to moan. We moan about the weather, the government (rightfully so), our work, the price of everything – we even moan about other people moaning. Yet it always seemed that there was a certain unspoken resilience hidden underneath all of the negative small-talk, with probably our most famous national slogan being “Keep calm and carry on”.

    It appears however, that the whole idea of ‘just getting on with it’ may have simply been a façade this whole time, and the British are in fact extremely miserable and actually wish the world would just hurry up and end.

    In a recent hustings event in Birmingham on August 24th, where Rishi Sunak and Liz Truss took to the stage to convince Conservative voters how each would be better at speeding up the UK’s path to complete self-destruction, Truss was asked by Times Radio host John Pienaar how she would feel if faced with unleashing the country’s nuclear arsenal, a thought that would make any sane human-being sick to their stomach (which Pienaar specifically said he would feel).

    To the surprise of pretty much any rational, non-psychotic human being, Truss, in a voice that sounded like she’d just been asked if she’s willing to cut Kit-Kats out of her weekly shopping list, said that as PM she is “ready to do that”, an answer which received enthusiastic applause from the surrounding crowd.

    Spoken like a true piece of shit

    Just let that sink in for a moment. A serious contender for the Prime Minister of the UK, announced very nonchalantly that she is ready to use nuclear weapons and almost certainly ensure the total destruction of life on this planet – and everybody clapped.

    Now, who knows, maybe everybody in the crowd was an actor paid by Truss’ campaign team. Maybe the event organizers specifically picked psychopaths frothing at the mouth at the idea of a post-nuclear apocalyptic wasteland where they can live out their Mad Max fantasies. Maybe everybody there was actually really, really depressed, and loved the thought of it all ending in a hot, white flash of skin-melting, bone-vaporising fire. Maybe the sound of Liz Truss’s voice was just so astoundingly boring and dull, that at that point the thought of instant death was actually preferable to listening to her speak any longer.

    We don’t know, and we can’t say for sure.

    What we can say for sure though, is that a room full of people clapping at the idea of nuclear war is, to put it lightly, absolutely terrifying and the prospect of Liz Truss being Prime Minister sounds like one item on a list of prophecies that must come to pass in order for an apocalyptic Judgment Day to rain down on the people of Earth.

    I would say “God help us all” but judging by the current state of the world, anything even slightly resembling a God very clearly stopped giving a shit a long, long time ago.

  • Larry the Cat to run for Prime Minister as Boris Johnson announces resignation

    Larry the Cat addresses the press (Source: Twitter @Number10cat

    This morning, UK Prime Minister BoJo made an announcement that will be rejoiced by many and lamented by few; he is finally fucking off. In response to the somewhat shocking revelation, 15 year old political pundit and resident of Number 10 Down Street, Larry the Cat, has declared he intends to replace the downtrodden clown once he’s out.

    After a tumultuous few days for Boris, involving over 50 parliamentary resignations including the Northern Ireland secretary, the security minister, the science minister, the Treasury minister, the pensions minister, the technology minister, the courts’ minister, and most prominently chancellor Rishi Sunak and former Health Secretary Sajid Javid, Larry the Cat tweeted on July 6th “I can no longer, in good conscience, live with this Prime Minister. Either he goes, or I do”. It seems the cat’s tweet made an impact.

    Now that Johnson has decided to bugger off, albeit in a few months, he will leave behind a big set of boots to fill, and who better to do that than a puss in boots? Although there is no official news of how the new PM will be decided, Larry is determinedly throwing his hat in the ring.

    When asked to comment on this surprising turn of events, Boris had nothing to say – it seems the cat’s got his tongue.

    Larry has been extremely outspoken on his Twitter (@Number10cat), expressing strong disapproval of his Number 10 roommate in his regular tweets about BoJo’s incompetence and reluctance to leave.

    His consistency in calling out Boris’ failures and his anti-PM tweets, all while living under the same roof as the now-former Tory leader, make him the perfect candidate to lead the country during this incredibly difficult time for the nation, amidst rising living costs and unprecedented inflation. His proximity to Johnson over the course of his leadership has given him insight into the inner workings of 10 Downing St that outmatch any other potential future Prime Minister.

    Perhaps Boris Johnson was aware of the rivalry unfolding when locking Larry out of the most important political building in the world (no, the White House doesn’t compare) on July 6th.

    The apparent roommate rivalry that exists between the dissenting feline and the narcissistic floppy-haired conman has been going on for months. When Boris Johnson recently told the country to essentially “fuck off” by saying he would not change, Larry was one of the first to call him out for it.

    It’s not only Larry’s continuous calling out of the PM’s shitty behaviour that makes him the ideal replacement either – his political views seem to be way more in line with the public than any Eton-alumni looking to take over the Tory party . His tweets have shown solidarity with asylum seekers, support for the working class, and an awareness of global issues that could begin rebuilding the UK’s international image.

    On top of all that, Larry knows how to carry himself much better than the saggy, disheveled excuse for a Prime Minister does too, with a stylish swagger that knocks the likes of Obama or Trudeau out the park, and dashing looks capable of bringing any diplomatic situation to a fast and amicable end.

    One cool-eyed glance from this furry fiend and any world leader would be writhing orgasmically on the floor, begging for stronger diplomatic and economic UK ties as they try to control themselves between moans and gasps of unimaginable, cat-induced pleasure.

    Add to that the fact that Larry has an instinctive knack for removing pests, and you can see why he’d perform amazingly in parliament. Boris already inadvertently got rid of a whole swathe of Tories, Larry could hammer the final nails into the coffin of the Conservative party.

    Whoever ends up moving into Number 10 Downing Street when Boris is finally (FINALLY!) out, they can’t do any worse than he did. After 12 years of Tory power, surely the next person (or cat) to shepherd the nation’s flock will steer us away from this path of self-destruction we’ve been on for so long. We’ll be lucky to get an election, and likely end up with just another Tory snob, but at least it won’t be Boris.

    Whatever happens, the Dumb News will definitely be campaigning for Larry the Cat. After Johnson’s time in office, we think even a lab-trained rat could do a better job than he did. Larry however, seems like the type of character to lead us into a new golden age, usher in an eternity of world peace, make millionaires out of us all and take humanity to the far reaches of the universe.

    God bless Larry, long may he reign.

    God save the cat

    Jason Law

  • Op-Ed: Reasons why men should decide what women do with their bodies

    Following the decision by the Supreme Court to overturn Roe v Wade and remove US women’s constitutional right to abortion, we have compiled a list of viable arguments for why men should be able to legally decide what women do with their own bodies.


    The End

  • 47 things more important than the Depp vs Heard trial

    47 things more important than the Depp vs Heard trial
    It’s way more entertaining watching a millionaire former couple’s pain and humiliation than seeing actual suffering

    The now infamous $50 million defamation court case between actors and former lovers Amber Heard and Johnny Depp is entering its 15th day, and the world has been transfixed throughout its duration, as the general public tries to decide which of the two celebrities they should be angry at.

    Just as we’d collectively concluded that the world couldn’t possibly get any weirder – we suddenly had to confront the reality that there are actually now millions of people discussing whether the Aquaman star taking a shit on the bed of The Pirates of the Caribbean star was a ‘prank’ or abuse.

    Reality is leaking

    By now, you probably know as much about the case as the jury does, given that the trial is being televised and dominating most feeds around the globe. You likely know more about the relationship problems of Heard and Depp than those of your own parents’. Do you know if either of your parents has ever shat the marital bed?

    So it’s unnecessary to go into the details of the case here (or anywhere outside the courtroom really) – anybody who has access to a screen has almost definitely already Heard (pun intended) of the story by now.

    The fact that this is true, is a joke – not like a joke intended to make people laugh but instead gets you assaulted like the ones told by Chris Rock or Dave Chapelle, but actually just a truth so ridiculous that it verges on hilarious.

    There is more media coverage and public attention being directed at the failed relationship of two millionaire movie stars than there is towards the multitude of other events happening in the world right now. Just as an example – here is a list of more important issues that have been reported on less than Depp and Heard (in no particular time frame) –

    The Amazon union leader Christian Smalls is literally 1000 times less important than this court case

    These are just a few Google News search results that had less results than the Heard/Depp case – ‘hunger’, ‘global warming’, ‘uyghur’, ‘roe v wade’, ‘forest fires’, ‘christian smalls’, ‘senate’, ‘ukraine refugees‘, and ‘opioid crisis’. The list does go on.

    So the average media outlet reports more on an A-list couple’s troubled marriage than they do on people starving, on genocide, on the pharmaceutical drug epidemic, on people displaced by war, on the first Amazon union, on the world burning, and on the removal of abortion rights.

    It’s extremely comforting to know that the various media outlets of the world care about human beings so much that they mostly dedicate as much (if not more) of their time debating whether Amber Heard’s bruise was real as they do informing us of our rights as people or the impending potential destruction of all life on the planet.

    Come on, we all know which newspaper we’d pick up – none, because the internet exists

    While everybody has been focusing on the court hearing (I won’t deny I spent way more time than I should reading about Amber Heard pooing in a bed), the world has carried on turning and the huge array of social/political/economic issues plaguing the world have carried on existing.

    The outcome of the trial will very likely have an important effect on society (especially with this much coverage); on peoples response to victims of abuse, on how allegations of sexual assault and abuse are treated, and on how much confidence people feel when they come forward with their own experiences.

    However, we don’t need to follow every single bloody and shitty detail of the entire trial as if it were reality TV. It’s undeniably gripping stuff but we have to wonder if headlines such as these –

    are really worthy of as much attention as they’re getting. Would an average working class couple in the UK countryside or a factory worker in Bangladesh get this much attention? Would each and every single emotion they feel in a divorce be headline news? Would pictures of them looking sad be on the front page of every news website? [Insert obvious answer here]

    Abuse and assault are serious issues, but the news isn’t covering the millions of cases of abuse (human rights, domestic, international law etc) that happen every day. What is wrong with our society that gets us to watch these stories like it’s a big budget episode of Judge Judy?

    With all of that said, we’ve compiled a listicle (Yay listicles!) of 47 things that deserve your attention more than the ongoing case between the two disputing movie stars. Why 47 you may ask? Well, the number of items on a listicle is about as relevant as Amber Heard’s “faecal matter” is to your daily life.

    So here goes, 47 things you could follow instead of the defamation trial….

    1. Anything else
    2. Anything else
    3. Anything else
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    5. Anything else
    6. Anything else
    7. Anything else
    8. Anything else
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    15. Anything else
    16. Anything else
    17. Anything else
    18. Anything else
    19. Anything else
    20. Anything else
    21. Anything else
    22. Anything else
    23. Anything else
    24. Anything else
    25. Anything else
    26. Anything else
    27. Anything else
    28. Anything else
    29. Anything else
    30. Anything else
    31. Anything else
    32. Anything else
    33. Anything else
    34. Anything else
    35. Anything else
    36. Anything else
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    38. Anything else
    39. Anything else
    40. Anything else
    41. Anything else
    42. Anything else
    43. Anything else
    44. Anything else
    45. Anything else
    46. Anything else
    47. Anything else

    So there you have it, folks. A list of 47 other issues you could be spending your time learning about and following instead of religiously studying the court case of these two incredibly famous and wealthy individuals.

    These are merely suggestions of course! You can spend your time however you please, but perhaps even watching paint dry might contribute more to your happiness, mental wellbeing and to society than following this story.

    There are billions of other things happening in the world right now that you could, and that the media should be focusing on right now. Just google human rights and click on any of the 2,270,000,000 results that pop up.

    Hmmm human rights… what is that again?

    Just try not to feed into the obsession with celebrity lives – it doesn’t make the world a better place, and as corporate media sees more traffic going towards stories like these, they will only create and spew out more of this trashy ‘journalism’.

    As mentioned before, the outcome of the case may have large repercussions on society – if Depp wins there are sure to be tons of men who will reference Amber Heard when trying to deny any accusations of sexual assault or abuse, or the small percentage of women who do actually lie (all humans lie) may be highlighted by the masses rather than victims who have really been abused. On the plus side people would see that men can also be abused and men might be taken more seriously when opening up about their own abuse.

    If Heard wins, well perhaps more women will feel comfortable with coming forward about their own experiences without being accused of lying or demonised. On the other hand, as the general internet seems to believe Heard is a sociopathic liar, it would appear unjust to a lot of people for her to win.

    Either way, the outcome will matter.

    However, a headline about every single feeling and reaction that each celebrity involved has, combined with updates on every piece of evidence brought forward, is only an indication that celebrity worship is eating away at our society. Our fixation on celebrity drama shows that the spiritual disconnect between the elite class and everyone else, is actually bigger than that which is evident in the multitude of problems we are so desperately struggling to ignore.

    Until we realize that the idolization of the famous and wealthy is a symptom of a much larger sickness, we will never be able to treat and heal the illness that is at the root of so many of the problems that cause our collective civilization to continue to break apart.

    Big brainy quote for clever homo sapiens
  • Will Smith still not over Grown Ups 2

    The slap that has everyone talking, just like Grown Ups 2 did upon its release

    This Monday, during the 94th Academy Awards show, the star-studded, opulent, and momentous ceremony was rocked by an event that has the entire world talking, and temporarily forgetting about all of the other crazy shit going on right now.

    In what has already been dubbed “The slap heard around the world“, Will Smith, one of Hollywood’s most bankable stars and an international acting icon, smacked legendary stand up comedian-cum-actor Chris Rock right in his soft loveable face, for his role in the 2013 film Grown Ups 2.

    Remember this hilarious movie? If you do, it’s probably for the wrong reasons

    It’s been almost 9 years since Grown Ups 2 was released, and those who were fortunate enough to watch it still remember it as one of the best movies ever made. Written by and starring notable and hilarious actor Adam Sandler, the masterpiece also starred Chris Rock, alongside other comedy greats like David Spade and Kevin James and was critically acclaimed with an aggregate Rotten Tomatoes score of 8%.

    The movie was so popular that it inspired the popular podcast The Worst Idea of All Time, featuring weekly, hour-long conversations between two hosts who loved the movie so much they watched it 52 times in a year.

    Although most viewers remember the film fondly, and collectively gave it a MetaCritic score of 19/100 – it seems that Will Smith really hated it. Talk about being out of touch with society.

    He hated it so much that after ruminating for nearly nearly a decade, he unleashed his built-up rage on Chris Rock, on national TV, at the globally-watched Oscar event.

    Smith, who rose to fame for starring in The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and has since bean a leading actor in dozens of critically-acclaimed movies which have collectively grossed over $9.3 billion globally, was enraged the moment he saw host Chris Rock take to the stage. Unable to hold himself back, he nonchalantly swaggered towards the stage, and smacked the comedian right in his face, before returning to his seat with a walk that looked like it came straight out of Bad Boys II.

    Smith as he finally unleashes his hate for Chris Rock

    The altercation didn’t end there however. Once seated, Will Smith went on an angry tirade aimed at Chris Rock, saying “Keep [that movie’s] name out of your F*CKING MOUTH!” before ranting about the first time he saw Grown Ups 2 premiere on TV.

    This was confusing not just to viewers at home, but to the A-list audience too, as Chris was simply making a harmless joke about the widely-loved 1997 movie, G.I. Jane. It appeared however, that Smith’s absolute hatred for Grown Ups 2 clouded his judgment and he attacked Rock in a fit of blind rage anyway.

    To describe the audiences reaction as awkward would be like calling Will and Jada-Pinkett Smith’s relationship slightly rocky– that is, it would be a huge understatement.

    The reactions ranged from shock to not giving a fuck

    The audience were seemingly shocked and had no idea how to respond. In their daily lives, they’re so accustomed to being told exactly how to act, that this surprising turn of events left them dumbfounded. Silence and shock swept over the audience as they all started to remember seeing Grown Ups 2 too.

    Chris Rock handled the situation like a pro however, and after taking a moment to collect himself said “That was the greatest night in the history of television!”, obviously referring to the night his movie was first shown on TV.

    Despite Rock remaining calm and collected on stage immediately after being whacked on the head, he confided to his co-hosts that he was “extremely hurt” and that he thought Grown Ups 2 was really funny. “I really like Will Smith, it breaks my heart that he hates my movie”, he allegedly said.

    It wasn’t long before the atmosphere was back to it’s usual self-absorbed, out-of-touch-with-reality display of extravagance and self-importance though. A mere 15 minutes later Smith received his Best Actor Oscar for his role in King Richard, a movie based on and named after the man who’s ejaculation created two of the world’s greatest female athletes.

    Everybody present completely forgot the events of just a quarter of an hour before, as Smith took to the stage for a second time that night to receive his award, and gave a standing ovation to commend the actor for finally speaking up against Chris Rock’s 2013 performance. So apparently it wasn’t just Smith who hated Grown Ups 2.

    Smith didn’t waste the rare opportunity of speaking to a room full of fellow Hollywood-stars and viewers at home, using it to deliver a heart-felt, emotional speech explaining his actions.

    Will Smith too to the stage to defend his unprovoked attack

    He spoke directly from the soul, explaining that “In this time in my life, in this moment, I am overwhelmed by what God is calling on me to do and be in this world” (to hit Chris Rock) and “I want to be an ambassador of that kind of love and care and concern” (by assaulting people on National TV). His speech went on for over two minutes as he spoke about being a vessel for love, and how this was a “a beautiful moment and [he’s] not crying“. It was evident that he had finally got closure. The Slap was all he needed to be able to get over the events of nine years ago.

    “I want to be an ambassador of that kind of love and care and concern”

    Will Smith, fifteen minutes after smashing Chris Rock’s face
    It’s important that celebs let us know how they feel about absolutely everything (source: Hello! Magazine)

    Although the celebrities were lost for words in the immediate moments following The Slap, they all had plenty to say about the event both on the red carpet and online. Opinions seem to be quite divided on supporting Chris Rock or Will Smith, as if it’s hard to decide whether assaulting comedians on TV is OK or if Grown Ups 2 was really that bad.

    Will’s son Jaden, approved of his father’s actions. Jaden Smith is widely renowned for his insightful and deep Tweets laden with hidden meanings. Assumingly here he is agreeing with his dad’s reaction to Sandler’s best movie of all time.

    Zoe Kravitz used the publicity to show off her dress and express her disapproval of people getting assaulted on stage. Fans responded appropriately by agreeing that her dress was “just perfection”.

    One Direction heart-throb Liam Payne spent a coke-fueled three minutes incoherently rambling in a variety of accents saying that he had no stance, everyone was in the wrong, we’re all human and that we should “take the beauty out of it” and we got to “watch the world’s best emoter (what?)”.

    Overall, the whole scandal has got the world talking and divided on opinions yet again. This week’s news cycle is dominated by the events of 2022 Oscars, despite nobody giving a shit about them in 2021.

    After almost a whole month of ‘Western society’ appearing united in their hate for Putin and support for Ukraine, we’re back to our old ways of disagreeing on current events once again. Many are showing support for Smith, saying he did what he needed to do, while a large number of people stand with Chris Rock and against violence in all of its forms.

    Whatever your opinions are on the whole matter, I know what I’ll be doing to show my support. I’ll be watching Grown Ups 2, sitting cozily by the flaming pile of my 6-season DVD set of The Fresh Prince of Bel Air and Bad Boys Trilogy boxset, while I fantasize about an A-lister aggressively defending me from people making jokes about my haircut. Oh boy do I love to be alive in 2022.

  • Nazism is cool again!

    Recommended listening while you read – Huey Lewis and The News – It’s Hip to be Square

    You may recognize this guy

    The Russian invasion of Ukraine is entering its 27th day, and both countries have been suffering severe casualties and losses. The Ukrainian people and its military have been putting up a hell of a fight against the Russian soldiers, and one battalion amongst this conflict that’s been gaining a lot of worldwide attention is the neo-nazi Azov regiment.

    With Putin being compared to Hitler frequently over the past month (see any of those links), and this invasion being likened to the beginning of WWII, you’d be easily forgiven for thinking the Azov battalion were part of the Russian invasion force, but hey – guess what? They’re fighting for Ukraine! And loads of people are on their side!!

    What a fucking time to be alive; who would’ve predicted that in 2022 we’d descend this far into insanity that people would be openly supporting neo-Nazis? And just when the future was looking so bright too.

    Is this is a colorized photo of Nazis or a photo of Ukrainian soldiers? The answer might won’t surprise you!

    To give a bit of context, the Azov regiment was formed in May 2014 as a volunteer militia, before being incorporated into the National Guard by November. They have tortured people, committed numerous war crimes, use the Wolfsangel Nazi symbol as their logo, and a spokesperson for the group even said that 10-20% of them openly identify as Nazis.

    On top of all that (if you’re somehow still not convinced they’re a Nazi group) Azov’s founding member Andriy Biletsky, has himself said that [their] “historic mission of [their] nation” is to lead the “white races of the world in a final crusade for their survival against the … Semite-led Untermenschen [subhumans]“.

    Sounds pretty Hitlerish, don’t you think? The so-racist-that-racist-is-too-weak-of-a-word regiment leader went on to become a far-right, ultra-nationalist Member of Parliament from 2014-2019. Yeah, you did read that correctly – a poor man’s Hitler, actually had a seat in the Ukrainian government for five years.

    Biletsky is LITERALLY Hitler

    It might be a surprise to some people (but not to anyone who knows a bit of history) that the group was even trained and armed by the USA in 2015. Wow! The USA supporting Nazis? That’s a first! It’s not like they’d ever help Nazis after fighting so hard to defeat them in WWII? And then give thousands of Nazis amnesty after WWII was over, to help them fight the Soviets in the Cold War? That didn’t happen and never would.

    The USA wouldn’t ever do that because they’re a beacon of freedom, liberty and eagle-screeching democracy. And to be fair to them, that was the olden days; we’ve progressed a lot since the Cold War and us Westerners who love to suck on the long, hard dick of modern democracy (see: free market capitalism) would never support Nazis – nope, not ever. Or would we?

    The UK and USA are currently making bank selling weapons to Azov. There’s good money to be made selling weapons to fascists. Can I get a “Kerching!”.

    Big business has so far, as usual been on the right side of history too, making sure to strengthen our democracy and not allow hate to grow and spread.

    A candid shot of two twin brothers standing side by side

    Facebook, which serves as one of our most-utilised means of global communication, and an important source of news for millions of boomers the world over, made sure to ban the Azov group back in 2019, under their Dangerous Individuals and Organizations policy.

    It makes sense, with the Zuck being of Jewish/robot heritage, that he wouldn’t allow a neo-nazi, far right group to recruit members on his platform. Facebook has in recent years been completely against hate groups and any incitement of violence, so they would never — oh wait. Sorry, for a moment there I forgot that Facebook reversed it’s ban on praising the Azov regiment on February 25th.

    So I guess now supporting far-right violence is like, cool again? Hold on, there’s a bunch of January 6th protestors / rioters / dissenters / seditionists who’d like a word with you Mark.

    So just to clarify, being a violent right-winger is ok sometimes, just only when you say so. Sounds a bit authoritarian doesn’t it? Nah, nah, nah. FB is totally trustworthy and honest and Mr. Zuckerberg just wants to make the world a better place.

    If you follow these links you can show your support for Ukraine by giving money to Nazis too 🙂

    Facebook wasn’t the only big tech company to suddenly start being cool with Nazis either. Links were shared across Twitter allowing users to donate money to Neo Nazi groups, in a show of solidarity with Ukraine.

    Fuck, even Amazon started selling Azov regiment merchandise! Now, you too can show the world what a piece of shit you are, for as little as $18.99 (excl. shipping costs), or you can buy an Azov regiment mug so that every time you drink your morning coffee you can show your friends, family and co-workers that you support the supreme white race.

    Sadly, AmAzovon has since removed the merchandise from their site so you’ll have to go to shitty websites like https://www.revoltnoir.com if you want to show solidarity with the group that lined their bullets with pig fat while fighting Chechen Muslims.

    On the plus side, at least you’ll be supporting small business instead of Bezos’ world-conquering retail giant.

    What makes all of this more fascinating however, is that Putin himself has said that his justification for violating Ukraine’s territory was to eradicate the far-right, ultra-nationalist, neo-Nazi movement that has been growing in Eastern Ukraine.

    Western Media changed its mind after the invasion

    So the West decided to legitimize his claims by supporting and promoting the Azov battalion? You honestly can’t make this shit up. Even mainstream U.S. media outlets like CNN are broadcasting interviews with Azov battalion commanders on national TV.

    The doublethink needed here is enough to make George Orwell rise from the grave and write 1984 Part 2. That’d probably be unnecessary though since we’re basically already living in part 1.

    Nazis are bad, but ratings are more important than morals (interview 21st March)

    Overall, it is important to support the UKRAINIAN PEOPLE, the main victims of this invasion. Even show support for the legitimate Ukrainian military. However, this is not American politics. You don’t have to just pick one side. You don’t have to blindly support either Ukraine or Russia. Unlike in the US elections, where you have to choose between either the nasty, lying, fascist war-mongerer or the corrupt, two-faced, greedy war-mongerer, you can support the Ukrainian people and the country’s efforts to defend their homeland against invaders, while also saying that the Nazi elements of Ukraine are a legitimate problem. There’s this thing called nuance, you may have heard of it.

    Or, you know, you could carry on being being a mindless cheerleader for whichever one-sided agenda dominates your news feed.

    When Charlie Kirkland’s the voice of reason, something may be wrong

    You can donate to UNHCR (The United Nations High Commissioner for Refugees) for Ukraine here

  • Terrorism takes on a new face – and it’s not pretty. Like really just unattractive

    Terrorism takes on a new face – and it’s not pretty. Like really just unattractive

    Despite the sensitive nature of this topic this is a satirical piece, though the conclusions reached are dead serious

    On March 15th, the Secret Service’s National Threat Assessment Center (NATC) published a 26-page report that has identified a new threat to national security (as if potential nuclear annihilation, a global pandemic, rising living costs and inequality, white supremacy and climate change weren’t already enough to worry about) – “incel terrorists”.

    Ever since the tragic events of 9/11/2001, the word “terrorist” has become a label that instantly instills fear in both those hearing the word, and supposedly those using it. Terrorist was not a new word – it was first coined in the 1790s during the French revolution, by the revolutionaries to describe their opponents.

    The term later regained popularity in the 1970s in relation to the Israeli genocide of the Palestinian people – whoops sorry, I mean the ‘Israeli – Palestinian War’ (guess which people were labelled terrorists in that situation).

    It was used again to describe the Irish who fought against those wonky-toofed, tea-drinkin’ Bri’ish people. The IRA did commit violent acts against innocent civilians which is never OK, but those actions pale in comparison to what the Brits did during their occupation of Ireland and attack on Irish sovereignty. So by the late 20th century “terrorist” was commonly thrown at anyone who fought back against imperialism and invasion.

    The 9/11 attacks against the USA however, brought new meaning to the term, and sparked the ‘War on Terror’. Suddenly the whole world knew about terrorists; how they wanted to kill you and your entire family; dreamed of destroying your democracy; hated your way of life and just generally wished you’d stop having such a bloody good time being a Westerner. It was nothing to do with aggressive and oppressive foreign policy around the world; it was you they had a problem with.

    Good old-fashioned terrorists

    The U.S.A, along with its allies, pledged to rid the world of terrorists along with anyone else that fought back against its world domination agenda. Intelligence organizations, governments and mainstream media the world over, kindly taught the public how to spot a terrorist, and to pick up on any signs that someone might be planning acts of terror. Typically, they’d be wearing a headscarf, a turban, or burqa, possibly have a beard and not be white. It was so easy to spot a terrorist in the 2000s and 2010s – the War on Terror sparked a global wave of racism and xenophobia where anyone who looked like a Muslim or dressed differently could be deemed a potential threat to national security – these were simpler times. It’s been over twenty years since then, and a new face of terrorism is coming to light, one that’s much more difficult to identify and spot

    We are of course talking about one of the biggest dangers to the free world right now – THE INCEL.

    Spot the terrorist

    For the uninitiated, the term “incel” (involuntary celibate) is used to describe “men who feel unable to obtain romantic or sexual relationships with women, to which they feel entitled to” according to the report. So to put it in simpler terms, a guy who’s very angry about the fact he should be getting laid when he isn’t.

    This threat identification comes in the wake of an increasing number of mass shootings/killings over the past several years by incels. One of the most prominent incel attacks in recent years was in 2018, when a man (we won’t use his name, he lived an unknown loser and died one too) shot six women in a Tallahassee yoga studio, killing two, before shooting his own unattractive face. This is not an event to be laughed at, but the idea of someone being that upset about their lack of sex is pretty laughable. How pathetic would you need to be, seriously?

    Remember the good old days, when people could just be racist and call people with darker skin, a foreign accent, or a different religion a terrorist? How are airport security going to know who to racially profile and pull out of queues now? If they catch someone getting a hard-on in the fashion magazine section at the airport will they need to detain them? How will the military/police know who to discriminate against? Will they arrest and interrogate terrorism suspects and ask them when they last got laid?

    Terrorist used to be such a simple term. We knew who to be scared of, and were constantly reminded of that through movies, the media, by the government. With incels now being classed as terrorists though, how will we know who to base our caricatures of fear on? Out of the two types of terrorists that we’re discussing here, I know which one I’m more scared of – the one who hates women’s freedoms, keeps himself covered from the sun, has an unhealthy obsession with guns and is angry enough to use them. I’m talking about incels of course, you racist.

    So with the threat of incels on the rise, it’s important for us to be able to notice the signs early on, before their testosterone-fueled rage is unleashed on innocent women. So we’ve put together a compehensive list to help you out.

    They love Reddit/4chan

    The growth of the incel ‘movement’ is believed by many to have started on sites like 4chan and Reddit. Subreddits like r/incels, r/beatingwomen, r/MGTOW (men go their own way) have all been banned, but active subreddits such as r/FemaleDatingStrategy, r/MensRights, and r/TheRedPill are breeding grounds for incels.
    4chan in general is such a shitshow that it’s hard to pinpoint specific boards to worry about on that site.
    So as a rule of thumb, if you see or hear anyone using/mentioning Reddit/4chan you could be dealing with an incel.

    The way they dress & their ideologies

    The 1999 movie first introduced the idea of ‘The Red Pill’ as an analogy for seeing reality for what it truly is, along with an entirely new fashion style for people who reject mainstream society. The movie inspired a fresh new world perspective for a lot of men online, who refer to themselves and each other as ‘Alphas’ and ‘Betas’, i.e. men who get laid and those who don’t. Anyone who doesn’t treat women like shit is a ‘blue piller’, and only when you take the Red Pill will you see the reality that you have to treat women like shit or they won’t have sex with you. The amount of mental backflipping needed to accept that logic is already enough to drive a sane person insane

    so if you treat women like shit then you’ll get laid but if you don’t get laid then you’re an incel and you should go and treat women like shit/attack them, but then does that mean they will have sex with you? So you have to be shitty to women – actually you know what, nevermind. It’s literally insanity, so don’t try and relate to the logic. The point is if you see someone who’s wearing a leather trench coat or has an unhealthy obsession with The Matrix, they might be an incel.

    The way they look
    A lot of incels tend to be young men, who have never had sex before, or at least in quite a long time. If you find out your male friend is a virgin and is really angry about it, or hasn’t been able to have sex in a long time and is also angry about it – THEY COULD BE AN INCEL.

    The language they speak
    Incels have their own lexicon which they use to dog whistle to other potential incels. They might call other men a ‘Chad’, certain women ‘Stacys’, talk about various-coloured pills (not to be confused with ravers on their way to make love to music), and speak in terms you’ve only seen on message boards before. If you hear this foreign dialect – THEY ARE MOST PROBABLY AN INCEL.

    Some other signs to look out for – they might use hashtags like #ForeverAlone, see Jordan Peterson as a god, and respond to the word feminist with utter disgust – because women wanting to be treated as human beings is obviously disgusting.

    Sometimes, they will just flat out identify themselves as an incel, which makes things a lot easier.

    Although the categories for spotting incels may be similar to how we’ve been taught to identify terrorists (see: the way they talk, look, dress), they are not the same at all.

    With all of that said, there is no concrete way to spot an ‘incel’. They could be lurking anywhere, standing outside yoga studios, approaching you awkwardly at bars or there could be an incel in your house right now. Fuck, I might even be an incel… I go on Reddit sometimes, and I thought the Matrix was kind of cool. I swear I’m not celibate though!! Don’t report me!

    I would like to conclude on a serious note. Although incels have been identified by people with way more authority than I, as terrorists, we should not give them even that label. The threat of incels is very real, and they legitimately want to hurt people, from all of the ‘Stacys’ to the ‘Chads’ – although their primary target is women.

    But the word terrorist has been used in the past 50 or so years to label almost anybody who stood in the way of Western imperialism, so many of those who were deemed terrorists would see themselves as freedom fighters, rebels against oppressors, or as defenders from those who wish to take away their liberties. The only thing incels want to free is their dicks from the confines of their Y-fronts. The only thing oppressing them is their own toxic mentality and self-pity. The only thing they’re being deprived of is a place to dump their cum other than tissues or crusty socks.

    The interview with this guy was so ridiculous it seemed like a sketch

    The government definition of a terrorist is somebody who wants to cause terror amongst the civilian population, and scientists have defined terrorists as having a political ideal or agenda. While incels have been attacking people in increasing amounts in the past several years, there is no reality where they are fighting against oppression. They have no political agenda. This interview with a mass-murdering incel gives a chilling insight into the deluded reality of an incel. They believe they are fighting a righteous war, that they are an oppressed group fighting back. We should not give them the title of ‘terrorist’ – they’d likely wear it as a badge of honour. They want you to fear them. I don’t know what else they could be called, but let us not give this group of psychotic, self-entitled and dangerous group of people the dignity of being compared to people who fought against oppression. I can’t believe I’m writing this sentence – but the label of terrorist is too good for them.

    So when it comes to incels, be alert, be aware and be careful. Just don’t let them believe that their indignation is for a second, righteous or just, by using the same word often slapped on to enemies of Western expansionism, racism and antagonism. Again, I don’t have a better alternative label, but I’m sure someone smarter than me can do a better job than “terrorist”. Different beliefs, ideals and delusions can not all be lumped into one category.

  • Fight of the century? Elon Musk bets lives of 44 million people on duel with Putin

    Elon Musk, the self-proclaimed Technoking of Tesla & Emperor of Mars, and Earth’s wealthiest human, has taken to Twitter to stake the lives of 44 million Ukrainian people on his belief that he can beat former KGB-agent and President of Russia, in a one-on-one fight. Using a combination of English and Russian, Musk wrote “I hereby challenge [Vladimir Putin] to single combat, stakes are [Ukraine]. He then doubled down with a follow up tweet in Russian directed at The Kremlin, asking “Do you agree to this fight?”.

    Since the Russian invasion of Ukraine began on February 24th, Musk has made sure to be on the right side of history by voicing his support of Ukraine across social media, and has gone so far as to launch Starlink satellites that provide wireless internet to the people as their infrastructure is devastated by the Russian military. As Elon Musk is now providing the people of the Ukraine with internet coverage, this naturally makes him the leader of Ukraine. It follows that the South African-born, U.S.-based, ‘Imperator of Mars’ should be responsible for the lives of all Ukrainian people, and maybe even every citizen of Earth. Let’s not forget that he is the world’s richest ‘human’ (questionable) too, so in our hyper-capitalist society it is only logical that whoever has the highest net worth should be in charge of everyone else.

    Musk has received worldwide criticism for his Tweets in the past, but what does the worldwide community know anyway?

    When Musk called Vernon Unsworth, the 63 year-old diver who saved a dozen boys from a flooded cave in Thailand, a “pedo guy”, it’s only because he was looking out for the poor trapped children. It was absolutely nothing to do with his ego being hurt when a diver helped people quicker than his multibillion dollar company could do.

    When Elon repeatedly used his large following to pump DOGE coin after recently investing millions of his company’s money into it, and the price plummeted and cost millions of people huge amounts of money, he was only trying to help the poor make a quick buck. He is a man of the people.

    When he made fun of Bernie Sanders for suggesting that Billionaires pay taxes like everyone else, he was doing it because he cares about the citizens of the United States. He only wanted Bernie Sanders to leave the billionaires alone and just shut up about taxes. Come on, let’s admit it – none of us like paying taxes.

    So with all of that said, I think we can all agree that Mr. Elon Musk [sorry LORD Elon Musk] has all of our best interests at heart. Zelenskyy himself has thanked Elon for the tweet, as it does show that he supports Ukraine. Ukraine needs the world’s support now more than ever. Russian and Ukrainian soldiers are killing each other (not to mention the civilians), at the behest of their countries’ respective leaders. The idea of wars being fought by leaders instead of young soldiers who have signed up to their country’s military, often out of a lack of better financial options but also a patriotic duty to protect their homeland and its people – is a nice idea. Maybe if that’s how war worked, old men might be a bit more hesitant to declare wars and let others fight it for them.

    Older men declare war. But it is the youth that must fight and die.

    Herbert Hoover, 1944

    However, Elon Musk is as much the guardian/champion of Ukraine as he is the Emperor of Mars. Does he have the right to offer Ukraine as a prize to Putin for besting him in a fight? Fuck no, he doesn’t. Even if he were given that duty, would it be fair to decide the fate of 44 million people on his extremely cocky belief that he’d win? Let’s entertain the idea for a moment though and try to conclude who’d actually win in a fight (what a time to be alive, right?). Let’s weigh up each of their attributes and see who would likely win this hypothetical duel.


    Height: 168cm, 5ft 5in
    Weight: 70kg
    Age: 64
    Fight training: Blackbelt in Judo, Sambo, Kyokushin, He has an honorary 10th dan in a Korean art (Tand Soo Do or TKD)
    Experience: Putin served 15 years as a foreign intelligence officer for the KGB. Retired as lieutenant colonel in 1990. Went on to become mayor, Prime Minister, and then President. Head of multiple military operations.


    Height: 1.88m, 6ft 2in
    Weight: 82kg
    Age: 50
    Fight training: Elon Musk said on JRE that when he was a child, he trained in kyokushin karate, taekwondo, judo and “Brazilian jiu-jitsu briefly.”
    Experience: serial tech entrepreneur with early successes like Zip2 and X.com. Instrumental in creating PayPal. Founder, CEO, and Chief Engineer at SpaceX; early-stage investor, CEO, and Product Architect of Tesla, Inc.; founder of The Boring Company; and co-founder of Neuralink and OpenAI.

    So what’s the verdict? It doesn’t fucking matter! I think we can all see who’d win in a fair fight, but that is besides the point. Elon Musk’s success has really gone to his head, and this ego-centric, maniacal, out-of-touch-with-reality billionaire should just stay out of geopolitical issues, stop tweeting dumb shit, and focus on what he does best – making ugly cyber-trucks, killing monkeys with brain-chip implants, and digging useless tunnels under L.A.